The Vacation Vortex

Laying lowSo. The Catparents are home from their holidays.

Indeed, they have been home for a spectacularly long 28 noms, and I have only just managed to gain access to the computer.

I have been beside myself. How can I run a successful world domination campaign without the technology to communicate with my fellow felines? It is beyond endurance, and I must devise a strategy for such circumstances in the future.

I am further grieved to report that, during the humans’ absence, things did not go at all as planned with regard to the Great Posse Catch-Up.

You will be shocked to learn that, mere hours before the humans’ departure, I was accosted by none other than Mr B*stard on my very doorstep. No doubt he was trying his luck in the belief that I would not have my usual support behind me; but he was foiled in this instance by a misjudged sense of timing. Catmother, in bizarre garb described by her as ‘pyjamas’, sent him packing, and he has not shown his face since.

However, the unexpected disturbance made me a little wary of summoning my Reservoir Cats. Who knows how many of my comrades may have been tempted to his side since our last encounter? I cannot say. But I deemed it unwise to attempt a gathering without my human backup team. If things had gone awry, it could have had terrible consequences for my campaign.

And so I have lain low, kept my delicately mottled nose to the ground, and waited for my reinforcements to return.

I must at this stage put in a word for Catgrandfather. As I was beginning to suspect, we understood each other surprisingly well, and I believe he would be a fine addition to the feline tribe.

I kept a prudent distance during his first days within my kingdom; indeed, he was absent for a good four noms, my meals during this time being served by Mr Up-The-Road. I am uncertain of the reasons for this arrangement; it may be that the elder was observing me from a distance in order to discern my true nature before engaging in contact. Very wise!

Once he had re-entered my abode and settled in, I ensured that I took the measure of him before gracing him with my presence on a regular basis. In and out I would wander, miaowing quizzically before abruptly turning tail and dashing off – this is how I tested his reactions and gauged his mettle. And I was not disappointed.

In time we grew to appreciate each other’s foibles. He would feed me at the times I demanded, and in return I would deign to allow him to indulge in the occasional stroke. Naturally I took care to continue scenting my territory during his sojourn here – I could not trust him quite so far as to permit him to believe himself in charge!

But yes, we did come to an understanding. I need not remind you how unusual this is for us felines. It has reminded me of my pressing need to publish the feline-human contract that informs my campaign: the manifesto that determines exactly how far each side may trust the other before boundaries are overstepped.

Rest assured I will retire to work on this forthwith. In due course I will make it available to those of my supporters who sign up for campaign updates. You must know what you are dealing with, and I will do my best to bolster you in your endeavours!

And now? My brief foray into the realm of human understanding has passed into the mists of time; Catgrandfather has returned to the East; and the Catparents have made their way back to me – for better or worse, I cannot say. Routine has been restored to my domain – for now – and I am not a little relieved to admit it.

What the future holds is still uncertain. I must attempt to regain contact with my Posse, and we shall see how we may work together against Mr B*stard. Once I have my cohort behind me and have re-established my supremacy within the neighbourhood, who knows what I will be able to achieve?

I must ask you to be patient. Rebuilding my garrison will take time, but I assure you it will be worth the wait. Believe in me and you will be rewarded!

I remain, as ever, Pasha – feline heroine for our times!