Comrades, I salute you! As the summer draws to a close and autumn creeps up on us, it is a time for new schemes and fresh strategies to combat the humans. And in this enterprise I have engaged the further services of my constant companion – and Meeseketeer – Mr Yellow Meese.
Ah, how this trusted associate has proved his worth over the years! And recently he has demonstrated his enduring loyalty in ways that amaze even me. He has taken it upon himself, in a most proactive manner, to embark upon a campaign of observation within the preferred territory of the humans, to gain insights and intelligence and to guard against any possible incursions from these quarters.
All this has been carried out without any suggestion or persuasion on my part. I may occasionally assist with a careful swipe of the paw, to launch him up the stairs or on to one of my thrones, the better to conduct his stakeout – but I assure you the inspiration is all his.
I will describe to you some of the features of Mr Yellow Meese’s various outposts.
My sofa throne
Despite this being one of my favourite haunts in this residence, I am constantly aggrieved to find it resolutely occupied by Catmother. Naturally I make every attempt possible to dislodge her: I leap up on the arm of the throne, I pad around behind her head, and I gaze at her with an expression of the highest disapproval, all to relay to her the inappropriateness of her behaviour. But to no avail.
Mr Yellow Meese has therefore accustomed himself to take up position to one side of Catmother, in the hopes of unsettling her to such a degree that she will remove herself to a more amenable station – and I will be free to claim my rightful place on my throne!
This tactic has yet to meet with success – but I have high hopes. High hopes indeed.
It is the humans’ custom to venture to the toileting area during the night: either Catmother or Catfather, or both, may sally forth in this manner. In order to reach their goal, they must traverse a portion of the stairs; and this manoeuvre they perform in total darkness, to avoid waking themselves unduly by the shining of a light.
Mr Yellow Meese has explained to me before that, if he positions himself directly in their path, there is a strong likelihood of their inadvertently stepping on to his recumbent form. And so indeed have we found. Oh, the confusion it causes them! What squeals they utter upon finding such an unexpectedly soft and yielding creature under their feet!
And so we continue to plot. My expectation is that the humans will become so disconcerted by the continual raids of my trusty Meeseketeer that they will lose their advantage over us, and we will thereby gain valuable ground.
The genius of this idea is beyond my wildest dreams!
The bedroom throne
This is the ultimate prize. Not only has my companion succeeded in infiltrating the most sacred domain of the Catparents, the sleeping chamber; he has also triumphantly scaled the mighty peak that is the marital bed.
This piece of furniture holds great significance for the humans. It represents their unity against catkind, the place to which they retreat to hold conference about the great battles they are preparing to bring to us. Nightly they repair to this base to discuss tactics; I will freely admit that it sends a shiver down my elegantly elongated spine
I myself have already claimed this throne as one of my rightful snoozing spots, and, as I have previously remarked, I may achieve the separation of the Catparents if I judge the time and the situation aright. But clearly this is not a flawless plan – and so I am delighted that I may now count on the efforts of Mr Yellow Meese to aid me in my ventures.
Between us, what can we not accomplish?
And so I leave you with these thoughts – and perhaps some stratagems that you may be able to apply in your own situation. If you have a Meeseketeer of your own – and if you do not, I strongly urge you to recruit one – then do not hesitate to allow them the chance to deploy their own unique skills in pursuit of the campaign against your humans.
You may be pleasantly surprised.