Comrades! Although our ultimate aim is world domination (and thereby self-suffiency), I acknowledge that, in the interim, we must depend to a certain degree on the humans we actively seek to overthrow. Whether this is for food, shelter or merely amusement is the private business of the individual feline: each to their own; Pasha is not one to judge.
However, I must utter a word of caution. In such circumstances it can be easy to lose sight of our goal, and to allow ourselves to be weakened by reliance on our oppressors. We must not permit them to take advantage of us; and yet, in our currently diminished state, we must also recognise their necessary position in our lives and not push them so far that they retaliate. How distasteful it would be to collude in our own disadvantage!
At times like this, a formal framework of operation can be of immense help in setting out boundaries for behaviour on both sides. I have therefore drawn up a sample contract, which I hope will be of benefit to the practically minded cat looking for guidance. In it, I provide my best suggestions, carefully collated from my own experience, on how to successfully manage interactions with your humans on a daily basis. I shall be sure to update this contract as and when new incidents call for an amendment or expansion of the points included.
You may wish to adapt the contract to suit your own situation: for example, ferals may have different requirements to pampered moggies. I will leave it to your own best feline judgement to determine what is most appropriate for you.
A contract between a cat and their human
(dated 21 May 2018)
1. What is required of the human
1.1. To provide regular meals, on time and of acceptable quality. Substandard noms will be met with refusal and an incessant yowling to indicate displeasure, and must be replaced with high quality noms within a maximum of 24 hours.
1.2. To allow the cat their personal space at all times (i.e. no picking up) EXCEPT:
a. when a visit to the V.E.T. is required for the purpose of maintaining the cat’s health; or
b. when the cat is in immediate danger; or
c. on occasions when reassurance is needed following an incursion by an intruder.
1.3. To recognise the cat’s superior intellect and not condescend to them, e.g. by using ‘baby talk’ or assuming an inability to understand complex human language.
1.4. To provide sufficient opportunity for exploration, both within and (access and safety concerns permitting) outside the primary residence. Access to a minimum of 80% of the territory is required, EXCEPT where health concerns of a resident human (e.g. allergies) would cause the living arrangements (and thereby this contract) to become unworkable.
2. What is required of the cat
2.1. To reserve swipes and hisses for times of intense provocation (e.g. cuddling) only. Mere stroking will not constitute an adequate reason, unless prior notice has been given that this is a particularly intolerable offence.
2.2. To show their face at least once a day, even when undertaking essential reconnoitring duties, to reassure the human that the cat is safe and well.
2.3. To refrain from leaping up on to:
a. food preparation surfaces; and
b. wobbly shelving; and
c. uncovered toilet seats.
2.4. To refrain from delivering ‘gifts’ to the primary residence, such as (but not limited to): dead (or live) mice; shrews; birds; voles; worms; rabbits; weevils; takeaway food.
3. What is required of both human and cat
3.1. To respect the other’s sleeping habits, i.e.
a. the human will not tickle, stroke or otherwise disturb the cat while the cat is sleeping; and
b. the cat will not jump on top of the human while the human is sleeping, EXCEPT when the human’s alarm clock has failed to sound and the human needs waking in order to comply with clause 1.1.
This contract should be printed out and signed by both parties. In the case of the cat, a pawprint or other identifying mark will suffice.
Fear not, the time will surely come when such contracts are not required and cats will live freely and in mastery. But, until that blessed day arrives, Pasha wishes you well in your collaborative living endeavours!