The universe continues to conspire against me. Just as I seemed to be making headway in the battle against the humans, a shocking new development has left me reeling.
I am beginning to wonder who I can trust.
You will be asking: ‘What can have happened to cause such lowering of morale? How can it be that Pasha, feline luminary for our times, is suffering such a drop in spirits? What terrible event can have occurred?’
Friends, I am saddened to report that this particular setback has been caused not by the humans but by the treacherous behaviour of one of our own kind.
I know. I share your disbelief. I am struggling to come to terms with it myself. But there can be no denying it: this week I have been set upon, within the boundaries of my own territory, by another cat.
The insurrection occurred several days ago. I was sunning myself in my garden, surveying my world and savoring my recent victory over the humans. All seemed well. But then – so swiftly that I barely had a chance to register what was happening – from over the wall emerged a dark shape.
That shape belonged to none other than the creature known to the Catparents as ‘Mr B*stard’. I had previously seen him strutting his stuff along the walls surrounding the neighbouring domains. At the time I had remarked on his air of entitlement, but never for one second did I think he would presume to initiate rivalry with me.
Yet now he here was, blatantly encroaching upon my dominion!
He leapt up on to a high vantage point overlooking my courtyard (where I had retreated, the better to defend my kingdom), and began miaowing vociferously at me. At first I was uncertain how to respond, as even my prodigious brain was under pressure to comprehend how this intrusion could be happening.
But it did not take long before my natural awesomeness came to the fore. I took my courage in both paws and began miaowing articulately back at him. I felt it would not be long before I convinced him of his error and sent him back to his own quarters.
My friends, it was not to be. He refused to move an inch. And so I was compelled to take more physical action.
I leapt up at him, forcing him to jump down from his superior position. I darted towards him, causing him to run into the garden like the sorry coward he so clearly is. I hissed and exposed my claws to show him I meant business.
There was a brief moment when he seemed to be retaliating. Claws and teeth were brandished on both sides, and I do not deny that there may have been some contact. After a hair-raising few moments, and much vocalising of our respective grievances, I succeeded in sending him packing.
Friends, I know it is not courteous to adopt such an attitude to one’s own kind – but in these most provoking of circumstances, what else was I to do? I could not allow him to gain precedence over me – I, Pasha, the leader of our resistance! It was clearly a shameless attempt to take control of our movement, and I am not yet ready to yield.
After establishing that the assailant had indeed vacated the area, I returned inside to communicate the events to Catmother by means of the fur standing out on my adorably elegant tail. She was, not displeasingly, concerned at my trauma, and even ran out to clap her hands at the now long-departed interloper. I may yet be able to use this solicitude to my advantage.
It is true that I sustained some minor injury during the fray, necessitating a visit to the human known to the Catparents as ‘The Nice Cat Man’ – but I shall skirt over that. (What precisely is ‘nice’ about sticking a needle into me, I cannot begin to imagine: yet another trial we felines must bear.)
And so I lick my paws and regroup my strengths. Despite my difficulty in comprehending the events of this week, I feel duty bound to report them to you. Though it saddens me to admit it, I fear we must now expect conflict within our own ranks. It seems we must fight on more than one front.
Comrades, I leave you with words of both reassurance and caution. Do not think your Pasha is abandoning the fight: on the contrary, this has made me ever more determined to wrest back control and lead us to victory! But, equally, I urge you to be careful. Watch your back, and trust no-one.
Until next time…