My dear, dear friends. I must apologise for my prolonged absence from the campaign trail. I can only imagine what horrors you were picturing to explain the disappearance of your great and glorious leader from your newsfeeds. But I can reassure you that all has been well.
Indeed, I am a little surprised to discover just how much time has passed since we last communicated. It is strange how quickly the hours and minutes fly by when one is, as the humans say, having fun. And what fun I have been having! Until recent weeks, that is… But more of that anon.
You will recall in my last update that I had been not a little disturbed by the arrival of two new sofa thrones into my home environment. It should not astonish you to learn that your Pasha speedily took the measure of these contrivances and adapted herself admirably to the altered field of battle.
Yes! As promised, I embarked on a strategy of carefully depositing my gorgeously plush fur, in increasingly thick and tenacious layers, onto these contraptions, the better to mark them with my scent and claim ownership.
The humans were at first unaware of just how truly cunning this plan was. Little by little, hair by hair – oh so gradually – what I can only refer to as Essence of Pasha grew and grew until, lo! One day the Catparents entered the room and gasped in amazement at the apparently sudden profusion of calico fluff over every surface.
Ah, how sweet is the taste of revenge.
But, comrades, I am sorry to report that this victory was, frustratingly, merely fleeting. Such vile new abominations have now overtaken me that mere possession of a new throne pales in comparison to the atrocities I now encounter in my kingdom on a daily basis. The humans have fought back with a viciousness that even I would not have attributed to them, and I feel I must warn you, in case similar enormities are planned in your own domains.
Loyal followers of these missives will be aware of several earlier incursions into my realm by humans known by weird and wonderful names such as ‘Mr Builder‘. I am grieved to inform you that I am now suffering from a veritable influx of such ‘Builders’ – and it cannot be coincidence that this has occurred at the precise time I was sitting back on my perfectly groomed behind, congratulating myself on my latest triumph over the Catparents.
You will be shocked to learn that I am now practically a prisoner in my own home. These ‘Builders’, or ‘Roof Men’ as the humans seem wont to call them, besiege my palace on all sides. The most cautious elongation of a delicately licked paw outside the confines of my personal door may, at any time, be met with a deluge of dust and rubble from above.
Yes! These Roof Men have constructed elaborate ‘scaffolding’ around every inch of my castle walls, blocking out the light from many of my favourite casements. What is even more incredible is that they appear to have no qualms whatsoever about clambering around on these disgraceful platforms. As if they could ever achieve the natural poise of a particularly agile feline! Their temerity knows no bounds.
Not only this; it has not been unknown for me to awake from a gentle afternoon slumber to gaze out of the window, only to see a Roof Man staring back at me! The shock has more than once caused me almost to fall off my throne, and it has only been with the skill attained through many years’ practice that I have been able to recover my composure and pierce the offending Builder with the full force of my steeliest glare.
These are truly times of severe trial, not least as I had – foolish, foolish Pasha! – lulled myself into a false sense of security with my coup over the Catparents. Never again will I allow myself to be so distracted from my mission, to doze in peaceful oblivion, while the humans work tirelessly to foil me with ever more devious schemes and subterfuges.
This has been a valuable lesson for me, and one which I have felt duty bound to share with you, my feline brothers and sisters. We must not underestimate our humans: while we sleep, they are already planning their next move. Do not let yourselves fall into the trap of believing, as I did, that there can be any respite in hostilities. We must remain always on our guard.
Remember: every snooze we take, every tail we shake, they will be watching us.