Dear Pasha
My humans resolutely fail to get up at the required hour to serve me my breakfast. How can I remind them that is part of their job description?
Any advice, however outlandish, will be welcomed.
Paws,
Mittens
Pasha replies…
Dear Mittens
Ah, the breakfast shift. So necessary, yet so neglected by the humans. I can entirely understand your frustration.
Yet do not be downhearted! There are many wondrous strategies that you can employ to remind your humans firmly – even forcefully – that this is not an optional luxury, to be indulged in only when the mood takes them, but a fundamental particular in the constitution between humans and cats.
(Sadly I am unable to point you towards a written version of this constitution, but I shall make a mental note to locate it and publish it here on a future occasion.)
But to address your immediate predicament, I can recommend the following tactics:
If your humans shut the bedroom door whilst sleeping
- Arise precisely 45 minutes before the humans’ alarm is set to go off, and commence miaowing incessantly outside their door. This will awaken them; and, because they will deem it ‘not worth going back to sleep now!’, it is likely to increase your chance of a timely feed.
- If the above fails, begin scratching vigorously at the door, as if in the hope that you will claw through and gain entry. Do not stop for any reason. For even if they are able to withstand your vocal enticements, fear of unwanted household maintenance can be enough to force them into activity.
- As a final option, should the above be inadequate to rouse them, rampage up and down the stairs, and in and out of other rooms, miaowing at your absolute top volume. This will cause them to wonder whether there is an intruder or other malign force present in the house; and, again, this is likely to be incitement enough for them to leap into action.
If your humans are dim-witted or sentimental enough to leave their door open whilst sleeping
You are fortunate indeed and have many more options available to you!
- Choose a secluded spot in their bedroom and commence the miaowing procedure. They will be unable to locate you (and, therefore, to evict you), which should lead to the recognition that feeding you is by far the easiest solution.
- The natural next step, should the miaowing fail, is to leap on to the bed. Once here, you have an excellent vantage point from which to consider a most extraordinary range of alternatives. For instance:
- Pad around the bedclothes until they become aware of your presence.
- Curl up on top of them, as if in devout adoration, and squirm/scratch/wash your undercarriage to your heart’s content.
- Position yourself in front of their face and gaze at their closed eyes until they sense your presence and awake with a start.
- Sit on their head. (Further movement is merely optional at this point, but it can be a fun way of spicing things up.)
- Miaow directly into their ear, conveying in the eloquent language only we cats can master just how much you are looking forward to their feeding you.
- Do not hesitate to paw at their nightclothes or any revealed skin, as a way of letting them know just how much you delight in their presence and crave the pleasure of their company. (Some of them are even foolish enough to believe this, so it can be worth the mild indignity you may feel while pursuing such a course.)
If all of the above should come to naught, then I can do no better than recommend to you the sage advice of the worthy feline known to the humans as ‘Simon’s Cat’. He has kindly put together an instructional video for our comrades to use in just such circumstances as these.
Watch, learn, and – above all – savour your breakfast! You will have earned it.
Paws,
Pasha