Friends. It appears there is something in the world of the humans entitled ‘Facebook’. I cannot imagine what form of monstrosity this is (surely the only face worthy of being on a book is my own…?); nevertheless, it has yielded what may yet prove to be an interesting experiment.
It appears that several human mothers have been asking their offspring questions about themselves and reporting the answers. This has been deemed amusing; I am unsure why, for is it not said, ‘Out of the mouths of human babes must come undeniable truths about the adults of their species’?
I naturally concluded that it would be an excellent scheme to ask myself the same questions about Catmother. Who knows what I might unearth in the process? At the very least, I hope it will offer you an insight into the nature of those with whom I must share my abode.
Here, then, are the questions – and my answers…
1. What is something Catmother always says to you?
‘Who’s a clever girl?’
And, of course, it is utterly true.
2. What makes Catmother happy?
When I come back home after roaming the neighbourhood to muster my troops.
3. What makes Catmother sad?
When I rampage up and down the stairs with Mr Yellow Meese in the middle of the night, and she thinks something is terribly wrong.
4. How does Catmother make you laugh?
By thinking she is cleverer than me. Oh! how she deceives herself.
5. What was Catmother like as a child?
I imagine her squealing like a meese and stuffing down her noms.
6. How old is Catmother?
I have calculated her to be over 30,000 noms; or, 7 of the years of our kind.
7. How tall is Catmother?
Tall enough to pick me up when I least expect it. This does not please me.
8. What is her favourite thing to do?
Sleep. I have trained her well!
9. What does Catmother do when you’re not around?
She claims that she ‘works’ at the ‘computer’. I have my doubts.
10. If Catmother becomes famous, what will it be for?
For being my primary human, of course! She will bask in the glory reflected from me, and she will never forget that it is to me that she owes her newfound status.
11. What is Catmother really good at?
Locating the Meeseketeers when they have been lost under my various thrones.
12. What is Catmother not very good at?
Feeding me on demand. I am at my wits’ end as to how to achieve this.
13. What does Catmother do for a job?
She types words that communicate with other humans. This disturbs me not a little: I must keep a closer eye on her.
14. What is Catmother’s favourite food?
Everything that is by rights mine! I must try harder to trick her out of it – but how?
15. What makes you proud of Catmother?
When she remembers something I have taught her. It reassures me in my darkest hour that there is hope.
16. If Catmother were a character, who would she be?
I believe there is one named the Crazy Cat Lady. This seems somehow fitting.
17. What do you and Catmother do together?
I sit and observe her while she ‘works’; it would not be safe to allow her to do this alone. Oh no.
18. How are you and Catmother the same?
We both love to sleep and indulge in our delicious noms. But of course she is a pale imitation of Me!
19. How are you and Catmother different?
She is but a mere human, whereas I am Pasha, feline luminary for our times!
20. How do you know Catmother loves you?
She continues to feed me even when I have administered a mighty swipe. This is true devotion.
21. What does Catmother like most about Catfather?
That he entertains me when she is trying to sleep.
22. Where is Catmother’s favourite place to go?
Sadly, it appears to be my favourite pink sofa-throne. This is not to be tolerated: I must find out how to put an end to it once and for all.
23. How old was Catmother when you were born?
I believe she was 4.5 of the years of our kind. But of course, the pre-Pasha era is lost in the mists of time and unworthy of note!
And there you have it. Without doubt you will now have a clearer view of the trials and tribulations I suffer on a daily, nay, hourly basis. But your Pasha is made of stern stuff and will rise above these torments. Comrades, it will not be long before our day will come, and I will lead us to certain victory!
Soon. Very soon.