A Party for Pasha’s Posse!

It has come to my attention that the Catparents plan to take a holiday. Yes, in just 28 noms’ time they will be departing these shores for somewhere warm and luscious, with many interesting fluttering and skittering creatures to crunch upon.

Not that they will appreciate such delicacies.

At first, upon hearing this news, I was delighted. No humans for a whole 28 noms! No-one to cramp my style; no-one to force me to endure daily trials of the spirit; no-one to threaten me with visits to the Cat Man if I engage in battles such as I reported on last week… What delicious freedom beckoned.

But then, concern began to creep over me. Despite being supremely competent in the art of hunting the Fluttering Creatures and the Skittering Creatures, I often choose not to spend my precious energies in such activity. Far better to allow the humans to engage in the lowly task of serving my meals: it helps keep them in their place.

So I was not a little disturbed at the thought that I would be deprived of my human minions for a period of time. I have a reputation to build up and thrust in Mr B*stard’s face! For him to see me stalking around my territory like a starving desperado… oh, no, no, this would not do at all. (Not to mention the humans’ potential as cannon fodder should the need arise.)

So it was with some relief I discovered that another human is to be my companion for this time. (The phrase ‘cat-sit’ was used; this must be a mistake. They must mean ‘house-sit’…) It seems that he is Catmother’s father, and I have been instructed to address him as ‘Catgrandfather’.

Naturally this is beneath my dignity and I shall do no such thing.

In vain they attempt to impress upon me how honoured I am to enjoy his company. They say he has single-handedly beaten off armed bandits in South America. They say he regularly travels the Russian waterways with his merry band of associates. They say he can remove the hind legs from an entire drove of donkeys merely by opening his mouth.

But I will not be taken in. If he is indeed an elder of the Catparent tribe, I have no doubt that I can wrap him around my delicately pointed claws and bend him to my will.

And to show that I mean business, I plan to throw a party.

Yes! This is a marvellous conceit, and will, as the humans say, kill two of the Fluttering Creatures with one stone. (Ah, if only…) Not only will it show the Catgrandfather who is the boss around here; it will also demonstrate to Mr B*stard that I have a cohort of accomplices willing to do my bidding.

Mr B*stard himself will, it goes without saying, be cattus non grata.

So. You will undoubtedly be wondering who I will invite to this shindig. Ahahaha, I see it is time to introduce you to some of the other local felines; and I am pleased to say that not all of them are vicious turncoats like the above-mentioned villain.

May I present to you: the Reservoir Cats, or, Pasha’s Posse!

• Ms Black-and-White
• Mr Tabby
• Mr Ginger #1
• Mr Ginger #2
• Ms White
• Mr Black

I will tempt them to my domain with aromatic morsels located strategically outside the tradesman’s entrance. (Despite their being welcome in my kingdom, they must still know their place: I cannot risk another episode like that of last week.)

If fortune favours me, the Catgrandfather (ignorant of my true plans and susceptible to my extraordinarily melodic miaowing) will be persuaded to provide these treats. Even if he chooses to ignore the proceedings, remaining in front of the magic picture box while I pursue my scheme, I will still be free to do as I please. I cannot lose!

Oh yes, my friends, I believe this can only work to my advantage. With a devoted band of followers beside me, what can I not achieve? Mr B*stard will be quaking in his hellish mittens, and I will once again reclaim the superiority that is my due!

From here it will be but a short step to securing victory over the humans. And be assured your Pasha will not rest until supremacy is ours!

And so, I must away to prepare for the great day. You will hear from me again in due course.

Keep the faith!