I am outraged!
I have been foiled in my latest efforts by no less than the humans’ weakness.
This could have a significant effect on my ability to communicate with my fellow felines regarding our world domination plot.
But wait, I have not explained myself. You will be wondering what I am prattling about – and quite rightly. (Always question, my friends, always question…)
The most disagreeable of scenarios has occurred. Catmother has been ill!
I know. You will be asking yourselves ‘Why should Pasha, feline celebrity for our times, concern herself with the welfare of a mere human?’ And your instincts would be quite correct. The wellbeing of our homo sapiens overlords is not a primary care of mine, nor should it be one of yours.
However, should their health be affected in any way, I am sorry to report that it can have adverse consequences for our kind, and it is my duty to alert you to these.
Firstly, any crack in the stamina of one’s guardian can seriously affect the delivery of our meals. If a human is malingering in bed of a morning, this is not conducive to an early serving. Even if you follow my earlier advice on reminding them of their breakfast responsibilities, it seems that ‘sickness’ is the trump card they are able to play in return.
This in itself is shocking, and I know that you will have trouble comprehending how they can allow themselves to renege on their contract with us – and with such a paltry excuse!
I should point out that have not seen any evidence of genuine distress, such as vomiting, diarrhoea or an infected bite in this instance. Catmother merely shuffles around the house, occasionally letting out a great sigh or pressing her hand to her head. I am therefore dubious as to the precise nature of this malady.
But to return to the repercussions for our kind. The second atrocity is the impact upon the cuddles and stroking we receive; and this is something more of a grey area.
My friends, you know well that cuddles and stroking are to be dispensed only at the specific times we wish them. If a stroke lasts a demi-second longer than we desire at any given moment, the humans are disciplined with a hiss and a swipe; if a cuddle is too vigorous for our delicate sensibilities, the hiss-and-swipe manoeuvre is swiftly followed up by a bite.
Sadly, the sickness seems to have taken its toll on Catmother’s brain, for she appears to have lost all sense of timing and understanding of when I wish to be cuddled and when I do not. I have, I regret to inform you, had to deploy the hiss-swipe-bite tactic more than once as she persists in overstepping the boundaries.
I am even beginning to fear somewhat for her sanity. But that is a matter for another blog post…
But, comrades, I now come to the greatest ramification of all: one that could threaten the workings of our movement entirely.
I am speaking of access to the computer.
Yes, it is on the human computer that I type out my missives to you with my own strikingly adept paws. Catmother is in the habit of leaving it open and unattended while she takes a break from her ‘work’, and I – brave, audacious Pasha! – seize my opportunity with every one of my beautifully polished claws.
But when she is ‘sick’… Oh, what disaster! She closes down the computer entirely and takes to her bed. And I am unable to open it up, as she has – gasp – locked it with a password. And, contrary to what I have heard of the stupidity of humans, it is not a blindingly obvious one such as ‘password’, which I would naturally be able to guess. (It is not even ‘Pasha’ or some variant thereof, which I admit offends me a little…)
Clever, clever Catmother! Again she thwarts my plans – and by something so simple. It is only today, as she is ‘starting to feel a bit better’, that the laptop has been reopened and I am able to sneak quickly in to send you my report.
However, it does make me fear for the humans’ upcoming holiday. From what I hear of Catgrandfather, he will not be making use of this technology while he is in the house, so I am beginning to suspect that my entire communications system will be out of action for the duration of the Catparents’ absence.
Friends. I will do everything in my power to give you a final briefing before they depart; however, it seems I will then have to leave you to your own devices for the subsequent 28 noms. Please, therefore, if you have any questions to ask of your Pasha before this dark time comes upon us, email them to me this week and I will do my best to address them in my briefing.
Take heart, comrades, and all will be well.
I salute you!