This week I have been subjected to a new and bemusing trial. I am still uncertain as to the humans’ motives, but am inclined to be suspicious – who knows what devilry they have planned?
They have removed one of my favourite thrones: that in the ‘sofa’ style, where I would rest my weary limbs and gaze out of the window at the world passing by outside.
Ah! the happy hours I have spent in repose, idly staring at errant meeses who skitter beneath the window, terrifying them into retreat with the merest flash of my beautifully sharpened teeth.
Such is the due of one such as I: Pasha, feline luminary for our times! Such a throne is my right, and I have claimed it as my own during the time I have resided in this domain. It saddens me now to report that the humans appear not to view this arrangement as binding.
I know that you will be as stunned as I was to hear that my seat of power has been relocated to another chamber. Most distressingly, it no longer has a panoramic view of my territories; instead it faces the interior.
This is an outrage! How am I to maintain my campaign of espionage in my dominions if I am unable to see further than the lump of wood the humans refer to as the ‘dining table’?
Oh, they attempt to mollify me with the insinuation that I will be closer to where they take their feasts, but I am not fooled. Offering me morsels from their buffet is hardly a practice in which they regularly indulge; I fear this is but a ploy to distract me from the true horror of what has occurred.
Yes, my friends, the moving of my throne is but part of the story. There is more; and it is a tale of such enormity that it has thrown me into quite a state of consternation. I know not what to make of it.
Into the space created by my exile they have situated a tree.
Yes! A tree!
I have sniffed around this intruder with all the nerve endings in my delicately quivering nose, and I can confirm that, contrary to all logic and reason, a creature of the outdoors has been brought inside; and, what is more, has taken my place!
This is beyond belief. Not only have I been dispossessed, but I must cede the advantage to a beast of pine needles, whose only contribution to the household is to drop said needles on the floor, where they will undoubtedly lodge in my tenderly inquisitive paws!
This is intolerable.
To add insult to anticipated injury, the tree has been ‘decorated’ with a multitude of flashing lights, gaudy garlands and dangling sparkling objects. Quite aside from having no sense of taste, the humans clearly wish to provoke me in the most extreme manner.
They must know that I, as a cat of elegance and refinement, will not tolerate such baubles and will do everything in my power to wreak havoc on their crude glitziness. They must realise that it is inconceivable that I will allow this to pass without retribution.
Are they expecting me to scale the monster and become stranded at its summit? Do they plan to taunt me in my desperation? Must I beg for rescue, humiliating myself at their hands by acknowledging I have need of them?
Oh, this is villainy: villainy of the highest order.
With this step, the humans have gone too far. Such a departure from our mutually respectful code of conduct cannot go unremarked. I must re-educate them. And so I plan my revenge, quietly and carefully. I weigh up my different strategies for dealing with this trespasser, and I wait.
Soon it will be time.
Very soon.